I wanted my first ever published blog to be so special. I wanted thousands of people to read it and wonder how I made it. More importantly, I wanted someone out there who feels the same way that I often feel to be able to GET IT.
My journey of a million miles started when I was 4 years old and a little boy from the neighborhood ripped my stockings and put his hands into my pants on the way home from preschool. He ripped more than my clothing that day though. He ripped away my innocence.
There would be 14 others that followed.
So my journey will be about life. The cold hard truth of it. The reality of family pathology and how it has affected me and my family. I will also talk about the joys of depression. The pains of anxiety. The hurdles of life. The hopelessness in being a single parent.
The grace found in God.
Most of the time we go throughout our day passing by so many different people. We nod and smile that polite southern thing that we do, and keep going. Most of us are hidden into our own worlds where we are too blinded by our own pain to see anyone else’s.
Today while I was in the store shopping for pizza for dinner (I make plans to cook and I don’t do it. I’m only human.) this old woman walked up to me and asked me if I knew where the clocks were. I couldn’t stop looking at her skin. It looked so soft and leathery. It immediately brought back memories of my grandmother (who passed away 13 years ago).
While I was walking to find the clocks she said to me, “I’m sorry that I am walking so slowly.” I replied, “I can only hope that I live to be your age.”I went above and beyond to help her find the clock. Comparing the prices of the clocks, also comparing the styles of the clock and battery usage. I even called over a associate to make sure that she had the right price. My heart was so warmed by helping her.
After I finished she thanked me and I walked off. My heart told me to go back and see if she needed help finding the batteries. See if she needed help with her list. But I didn’t. Instead I walked away feeling good, yet not fulfilled. This made me think of how often we treat life in the same way.
We do things thinking that they will make us feel better, fill us up, complete us and then when things don’t work out the way that we plan, we are left feeling unfulfilled. My intentions were good, I wanted to do something great, but as soon as my feelings got in the way, I stopped.
I wondered why I didn’t ask her where her family was. I wondered why I was getting angry at the daughter or son who let their mother go alone to Walmart. Most importantly, I wondered why it was so hard for me to vulnerable and ask her those questions.
We do the same thing in life. As soon as it gets uncomfortable, we stop. Well I am ready to learn how to walk through the uncomfortable to arrive at a place of complete peace.
My purpose of this blog is to help you to keep going. Somewhere there is another mom, sister, daughter, teacher, or doctor that is just fed up with life. Fed up with being alive. I will share my journey. You have to be right here with me to believe it.