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  • Writer's pictureJulian S. Miles

I don’t want to & I shouldn’t have to..

Updated: Jun 18, 2022

If I can be honest I absolutely LOVE the thought of being used by God. It puts a grin on my face & a smile in my heart.
But–there’s just one thing.
It doesn’t always feel good.
God uses our testimonies of faith & miracles to reach others. But in the middle of faith and miracles is often pain and suffering.
No matter where I end up, who’s stage I am on, how many books I write or blogs that I publish- I will never see the glory in sexual abuse or horrific experiences that people go through. I simply have to understand that God works in ways that I may never understand.
We’ve all experienced things in our lives that we just don’t want to do. It’s hard to LOVE when others aren’t being kind to us or we don’t understand. It’s hard to forgive people that have hurt us deeply and its even harder to sit back in life and watch things happen that you feel you have no control over.
I just don’t want life to be hard. I want to wake up in the morning, pray, make coffee and watch the sunrise—all the while thanking God for his glorious gifts. The reality is most morning I stumble out of the bed, remind myself to thank God, try not to add too much sugar in my coffee and attempt to not focus too hard on the things that my heart is aching for.
I can cry and scream and challenge God and ask him a million times why I am experiencing hardship and why things aren’t the way that I want them to be and how I see them. But he is not swayed by my doubt or my pouting.
Because I went so long operating in my own strength in life, I tend to believe that because I have done all that I can do to achieve what I want-then God must be withholding it from me. In other words, he’s messing with me. I have felt like he was dangling a carrot in front of me and I couldn’t jump high enough to catch it. This often leaves my heart hurting and my face full of tears.
The truth of the matter is that if we are honest we (at times) believe that we shouldn’t have to suffer. We believe that we have done our duty in being disciples of Christ and we’ve quit this or that and we no longer go here or there, so we feel like this is enough for God to give us a “better” or “easier” life. This is so me!! I am often so frustrated and exhausted with waking up feeling like things are still the same. I want the miracle now! I want to know that what I am doing matters and that its making my life “better and easier.”
If I asked anyone reading this to sacrifice a member of their family by killing them would you do it? Sounds crazy right? But that’s what Jesus did for us. He did this so that we didn’t have to die in our sin, he did this so we would have a way to communicate with him eternally. Sometimes I feel so ashamed of how I act towards God after all that he’s done for me daily. I can see. I can type these words. I can read them.
What is the state of my heart if I think, “well that’s nothing, I’ve always been able to write/see/type?”
My truth remains the same—I want to be used, but I don’t want to suffer. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to lose people or things. I want life to be like skipping down the sidewalk with flowers in my hair and a trail of butterflies following me.
Sometimes I allow myself to get so overwhelmed and away from the Father that I find myself in such a state of mind that its hard to crawl my way out of. With God it’s easy to believe that you have “somewhat” arrived where there are things that won’t bother you anymore and missing that prayer time or quiet time is okay—but this is what allows –“I don’t want to & I shouldn’t have to” creep into your mind and make you believe that what you’re enduring isn’t worth it.
I can be honest with you all and say: I am going through so much right now. I’ve questioned my faith, my worth, my value, God’s plan for my life, my ability to love, forgive, be a good parent, be a worthy friend, not talk too much, or too little, try harder, let it go…the list could go on and on. And in the midst of it I say to the Lord, “It’s too much, I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to save anyone. I just want to stop hurting and doubting and fighting.” And sometimes God doesn’t say anything. Sometimes I feel like he’s ignoring me or far away or I’ve done something.
Then after a while when I’ve gotten quiet or I am washing the dishes or brushing my hair or driving he will quietly tell me the reason.
“There’s no other way.”
And my heart breaks because I feel so selfish and I know that my heart isn’t aching because I don’t believe or trust, but its aching because I just don’t want to suffer and I don’t feel like I should have to.
We all know that there are some lessons that we just have to go through to learn. It’s like staying up too late and being late for work and then being sleepy all day and what do you say as soon as you realize you messed up? “I will never do that again, right?” But you had to go through the experience to understand that you should not stay up too late.
If there was any other way, I believe that we wouldn’t suffer. If there was any other way, I don’t believe that we would have to fight so much. But is there really any other way to testify about God’s goodness without having to experience the faith and miracles? If we haven’t held on for dear life for Him to make a way, how can we encourage someone else that He is faithful?
I don’t want to believe in something I can’t see. I just want to have the money. I just want to have the house. I just want my kids to behave and do everything right. Matter of fact while were talking about the kids, I don’t want to be a single parent! Why didn’t you stop me God?
And I shouldn’t have to block out memories of being molested. And I shouldn’t have to work so hard to survive. I shouldn’t have to fight so hard to believe. I shouldn’t have all of these obstacles God!! Don’t you see how hard I am trying?
You may read this and say, well I can’t relate to any of that. But your I don’t want to may be I don’t want to get divorced, or I don’t want to move out of this house, or I don’t want to take of a sick parent/child, or even I don’t want to still be single…Maybe there’s a addiction you’re fighting or a relationship that you need to end or an apology that you need to give.
If that’s you I believe–
…his answer is the same—there’s no other way.
The truth is : We GET to honor God by believing in his miracles and showing faith. We do this by enduring through hard stuff and sharing our testimonies of how he has delivered us through difficult times.
Hang in there. Sending love and light to you.
Something new that I am doing this year and having scriptures that I will focus on for the entire year to encourage you to do the same! This is one of my favorites!
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death no life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:37-39
I will keep saying it until it soaks into my skin like a sponge. I will keep saying it until it takes over my senses and I no longer ache for something other than his presence to know that he is always there. Ever present. Never failing. Always faithful.
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